Never Happened

I don’t know how one exactly moves on from something that ‘never’ happened.

I understand the need not to exactly share the whole truth, I mean I do that. However to completely cultivate a whole other lie is a different story.

Firstly in order for a lie to be successful, it is important to tell the people part of the lie. And well if they aren't informed, they are led to believe there isn’t a lie.

It sucks knowing I was so easy to be lied about. I don’t ask for much other than time. When I invest time and then find out how deeply the lie was, I can’t help but feel like I somehow should’ve known.

I replay all the times that something odd happened or the times hell I could’ve said something. I was always worried about being cut off that I never wanted to ask. Asking would’ve solidified all my beliefs. However it was to end, I was going to hurt whether I chose to stay or go.

I eventually figured out I was a huge secret, I couldn’t even be told to my face that I was. I would’ve kept the secret if I was told, “Yea, I’ve lied about you since day 1.” Now even when someone is telling the truth, I question it. Like do they actually value me the way they say? Do they have a family started?

My trust issues are fucked. I’m trying to figure out how exactly to get outta this feeling. I’ve wanted to shut everyone out. I feel so alone that I’d actually rather just be alone. My emotions change so quickly that I don’t want to be vulnerable to someone like that.

After everything I can’t help but feel manipulated. I bent over backwards and I still was never going to be good enough. I didn’t cause any problems till the end, I was with girls and didn’t get jealous and even then that wasn’t good enough.

I even allowed for the story to be flipped on me that I’m the liar. Knowing I never existed to someone hurts. This heartbreak is fucked because well ‘we never happened.’

Someone who awoke a sexual side of me that I didn’t know existed had no intentions of keeping me. I was a toy he hadn’t played with before.