It’s not linear
If there is one thing I am constantly learning, it’s that healing is not linear. There are highs and lows. There are days when you feel like you can do anything and others where you don’t want to do anything. I’m trying to figure out the balance between the two. How do I navigate such drastic swings in emotions?
I am constantly telling myself that I am worth it and that I am deserving of the same type of love I give to everyone in my life. I am so excited to meet a person who feels the same way about me as I do them. It’s been an exhausting journey trying to, hoping to, find someone who cares about me. However when I catch myself hoping for a type of relationship such as that, I’m reminded that I’ve been told I’m going to be single and then I delve into why bother trying to find someone. It wasn’t until yesterday when I shared with my friend that I was told I’ll be single in my sophomore year of high school and how it’s affected me. She simply replied with that was rude and mean. That comment has stuck with me to this day and it sucks. I am worthy of finding someone.
I have thankfully been giving myself all the love that I can. I am a QUEEN and I deserve to be treated as such. I am unique, kind, helpful, resourceful, talented, HOT AS FUCK, and truly a down for whatever type of women. You just have to ask and more than likely I will oblige.
My healing isn’t linear. I keep running into the same type of man. One with confidence which in turn becomes their unattractive quality. What I believe to be confidence is arrogance. Which in turn hurts me. They truly don’t value the way that I think they do. They never want to date me, but quickly will date the next one after me. It has happened so many times, and yet they still want to remain friends? I don’t get it. It’s really hurtful.
It hurts the most when men tell me to go out and see other people mainly because I keep running into the same type that I then have to take this time to heal. Like let me go out, attract the same type of man I am trying to get over, all to do the healing again? I am hit on daily, asked if I am taken, asked to go on dates, and everything in between. It’s like I’ve been alone my whole life that someone would really have to change how I feel about relationships to want to be in one. I’ve learned that the four months a man knows you is likely when he’ll make promises he can’t keep.
My healing isn’t linear, but I am grateful to be aware of the changes in my mood. I spoke with my therapist earlier this week about how I feel the need to hold onto the information I find out about the men I pursue . They all have cheated and I keep falling for them. I am attracted to the dysfunction that type of relationship brings, I’ve had my needs and emotions dismissed before therefore it is familiar, and lastly I am disconnected from my body and don’t trust my nervous system. The last man that I was seeing- very early on I told myself this is too good to be true and here I am now. I should’ve trusted myself more. Due to my dysregulated nervous system response, I tend to choose relationships with high chaos. Due to this attraction to men who have cheated, I feel this need to hold on to the information I find and preserve their image... why- all for what??? My therapist asked me if it is truly my weight to hold and well it isn’t, but I’ve allowed myself to hold onto it. It has hurt me in doing that. I haven’t ever allowed myself to heal. I haven’t ever been given closure from any man that I have seen; I am the one I need to give it to. I am worthy of closure.
Needless to say- I can’t control how a relationship with someone ends. I am capable of making good decisions. I’ll get through this as I always have.
