I almost do
I almost reach out, but then I stop…
We met in gym class in my sophomore year. We didn’t start talking until that summer while I was on a trip with my friends. We hung out a few times that summer, but eventually we stopped talking- I had to figure out how to move on. I remember texting one of my friends about how hurt I was that we stopped talking. He sent me this long message about how if he doesn’t see my worth then fuck him. I so badly wish I saw my value and actually followed through with moving on.
However sometime later in the next school year, you hit me back up again and so we continued seeing each other. Then we would stop and then it would start again. When I left for college, it was consistent that I would see you on my breaks back home. I looked forward to that. You were a consistent person in my life, oddly enough.
Reflecting back on the time that I saw you, I don’t know what I expected the end result to be. What we were doing couldn’t sustain itself. I wasn’t confident for one. I was self conscious about how I looked and didn’t know how to navigate what I wanted. Now I know, I wanted to date you. I wanted to know more than just the surface.
We stopped seeing each other when you began talking with your now girlfriend. I wouldn't feel so hurt if she also wasn’t a red head. I was aware even when I was seeing you, that you had a thing for redheads. The one thing I know which made it easier for you to date her, was she is shorter than you. That being said, it shows how little confidence you have in yourself to date a woman taller than you. Even though you claimed to be taller than me, yet couldn’t say it to be true when I asked.
I wouldn’t be so hung up on you, if I didn’t hear from you. I heard from you the year I graduated college and then this past summer with your new phone number. I know you are still with the same girl. So why reach out? I know why, you still think about me. * Cue Losin Control, Pt 2 by Russ* When I was moving out of our hometown, I wanted to meet up since you hit me up while I was backpacking Europe. You never hit me back so I was never going to think about seeing you again. I couldn’t keep hoping and wanting more when I knew it was never going to be anything else.
I let you keep me a secret for the entire time. I then let other men do the same thing to me.
Every time that I go to reach out, I almost do. But then all the memories of feeling inadequate flood back.
As much as I want to know how you are, I can’t. I can’t reach out because you have someone you’re happy with. I wish the best for you. I almost reach out, I really do, but then I stop. I don’t know where we would start. I don’t even remember the last time we saw each other in person, it has been that long. I didn’t even realize it was going to be the last. Would I have handled it differently? Perhaps.
I’ll always think of you when I listen to Drugs You Should Try It by Travis Scott.
I Fell in love
Fell out of love
We both had options
