Healthy Appearance

I’ve been going through the waves this whole year and half. It has been a lot mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is sickening to see how I have changed so drastically - I mean for better or for worse. I feel as though I am now fully entering the stage in which I am becoming the person I am meant to be.

The main reason I have been able to stay sane (for the most part) is due to exercise. When the pandemic first came and gyms shut down- I didn’t know how I was going to cope. Thankfully enough my dad came to the rescue and gave me his old weights that were simply collecting dust and rust. That was my saving grace for my mental health (sorta). I began to lift and train my body in ways that I had never before. I have been an avid gym attendee since 2013/14, but never was able to see the results that I wanted. 

I came to find out the reason I hadn’t attained the body I wanted was because I was simply eating too much for what I wanted. Well pandemic hits and I am stressed both in and out of work. Now with most people they find comfort in food. I did the opposite- I lost my appetite. Most food turned me off. I was mentally drained from work. I was then expected to come home and cook for myself- which evidently didn’t happen. I remember eating so poorly. I one time was crying myself to sleep after having only had a granola bar for my dinner. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know what to cook let alone want to. I’d have to force myself to eat even if I never felt hungry. 

I slowly began to acknowledge the issue and plan better ahead by meal prepping. Even though I planned better not all weeks I did, if I made weekend plans then the cycle would continue. I never saw how quickly I was losing weight. That is the part that I find so sickening.  

I remember talking to my therapist about how unhappy I was and she replies with “Well yes if you hate your job, the city you live in, and don’t have a support system, there are zero ways to be happy and feel good. You need to get out.” 

And there it was- someone telling me exactly what I needed to hear. 

And just like that- my mental health began to slowly improve. I’m still not there yet but I am healing. I’m truly proud of this time I have taken for myself to do so. I’ve caused myself a lot of damage within the past years. I’ve kept many relationships a secret, all coming to backfire on me. The problem was- I was never confident or secure. I always felt like if I said or did anything that would cause them to leave. And FUCK that thought. They SHOULD and I should want them to leave. Adios amigo. 

It wasn’t until I was getting hit on a lot and simply getting more attention than I ever had before that something had changed about me. Turns out losing a lot of weight makes people more attracted to you. I lost about ~20 pounds in 2020. I still see that number and am blown away. Never once have I ever attended the gym having a number associated with my goals. I always wanted to look great, but I never weighed myself. I focused on feeling good. 

Many times I am still in shock. My face looks insanely different compared to 4 years ago. My face was so much rounder than it is now. When I look at myself in the mirror- I don’t see an accomplishment or how great I look because I am now skinnier. I see how much I struggled and how much effort it took me to keep going. 

To wrap this up in some sort of way- just because someone appears to be healthy and exercises doesn’t mean they are mentally doing healthy.