Physical Touch
The thing is; I miss the touch. I miss the feeling of their hands over my body. Both causing me so much confusion during the entire time and still now.
I haven't been able to invest myself in another person.
There is too much that I need to work through before I involve someone else in my life. If I am unsure where I stand with myself how the hell am I supposed to be sure with someone else? I’m not.
For such a long time, I've only ever focused on my short term happiness. I knew the pain I was causing myself. I knew how I was going to feel the next morning. The night prior however I would decide to neglect those feelings. I never wanted to come to terms with all the pain I caused myself.
If it wasn’t for a man who so outwardly said how attracted to me he was, saying he wanted to date me, saying how sexy he thought I was and simply making me feel something nobody had ever made me feel. I wouldn’t have seen my worth. I met him by chance.
The unfortunate part was that I was still hung up on the situation that had caused me so much pain, it wasn’t going to work. I can’t jump into someone new even if it is a significantly better situation. If I’m heartbroken, seeing someone else won’t fix it; it’ll just suppress it. I need to forgive and heal my heartache so I don’t cause another to go through the same.
I needed to discover the new woman I am becoming by myself. My feeling of being alone can’t be and won’t be the reason I see someone or continue to.
With that being said, it still doesn’t mean I don’t miss seeing someone weekly. I miss touching, kissing, making out, and pleasuring. That’s what I wake up missing in the middle of the night. Its not the next morning lonely feelings or the uncertainty. It’s the physical human touch.
It’s the ability to feel so close with someone. It’s the ability to explore my body with someone else. It’s the ability to appreciate the beauty of someone else’s body. It’s the ability to get to know someone else’s body over time.
Each night some different memory. I run my hands over my body wishing it was someone else’s hands.
New people will become apart of my life. With new memories. New memories of their hands touching my body. My hands touching theirs.
Till then I'm learning to love the touch of my own hands.
