The Love We Deserve

Yesterday I had watched Perks of Being a Wallflower for the first time in a while. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, I'd suggest watching it. Long story short the movie is about a group of misfit friends that become close in high school. In one part of the movie, Charlie, the main character, asked his English teach how to tell someone they deserve better. The English teacher responds by saying "We accept the love we think we deserve." When that line was said, I had to take a moment of reflection. It gave me chills.

Do I know the love that I deserve?

The answer is no.

I’ve been misguided into what actually is love for me. I see numerous members of my family happily with someone, but few friends of mine are. I myself have never felt love from someone beyond a close friend or someone who has an obsession with me.

Always having never been in a relationship, I only saw myself as deserving to not be in one. Even if I wanted one, the fact that no one has stepped up to give me one, tells me I am unworthy.

Convining myself that there is some reason everyone knows but me. The questions of why am I not good enough constantly echo in my head.

On the flip side, I can also view my lack of a relationship as that I’m far to unique to be with anyone. Nobody knows how to be with someone like me.

I try to view myself in positive terms but lately I've been struggling with what do I deserve. I’ve never stood my ground with anyone or spoken up about what may have upset me.

Anyone can say what they don’t deserve and probably go into depth however when it comes to it, will the call be made to remove said person if they aren't giving you the love you deserve?

More than likely no. It takes a lot of willpower to remove someone from your life especially when you want the situation at had to workout.

I’m the queen of rationalizing and indesciviness whether good or bad. I’ll know in my heart I deserve better but when it comes to it I continue to remain in the same stagnant place

~ feeling undeserving