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Jan 26
Every time I go to write a new entry, I get to a few sentences in and then I don’t know the direction I want to continue in. I don’t want to publish half made thoughts or unsure emotions. Sometimes I don’t even know what I created this site for. I wanted to have a place to come back to reflect on, but it’s bringing me more stress. I’m now hyper aware of who, when, and what someone is doing when they come to my site. I know how long you stayed on a particular page, when you switched, and how you arrived at my page. It tells me where everyone is viewing the page from.
It’s been a problem since social media became a huge deal, the giving too much of a god damn fuck.
A place that I want to freely write I have felt like I need to censor myself due to other’s insecure feelings.
For as long as I can recall, I have never viewed my feelings as valid. I put the other person first always. The list goes on and on.
The new person that I am becoming is just about to break free. Change is happening much sooner than I’m comprehending.
Mar 13
Something about this week has me restless. I can’t sleep through the night. I wake up in the middle of the night not able to fall back asleep for at least an hour, most of the time longer.
Whenever I struggle falling asleep I think of a time I was told that ‘If you are having a hard time sleeping, you’re probably awake in someone else’s dream.”
I wonder whose dream I am awake in. Whose mind am I occupying? Am I also up late thinking about them?
Some people will forever have a tie to you. The heart knows instantly. It’s never easy having to separate oneself from another because you grow a certain bond. You become to appreciate the person.
You appreciate the person for all that they taught you. All that you both shared.
However special the person, for whatever reason you two no longer speak daily or weekly or monthly for that matter. They slowly fade out of your life.
The sleepless nights become less and less. The memories seem more distant than the last. A new person hasn’t occupied that place.
Mar 18
I don’t want to meet anyone that can occupy that new space. I try new people and they’re just eh … one hang is plenty. I need time to myself. I need to feel grounded again. I need to move with greater intention than I previously have. I need to figure out what I want exactly. I need to move to a new city. A fresh beginning. This next month will be bittersweet.
A new person will come into my life exactly when I am ready. I have no reason to stress. I am not living in places where I want to meet any new people from. It’s sad how the inspiration of a city can be lost with certain experiences. I’m going to preserve the memories before they get too tarnished.
I appreciate these past 20 months - they have been a lot. I moved out here with wrong intentions, but grew tremendously from it.
Here’s to the next 20 months of becoming a whole new bitch. She has been brewing for a minute now so she is going to be coming in strong.
