Still

The issue that is still in my head is that I wasted my time

On losers, insecure men. With lack of skills and ambition. 

A man who had to start with me for what exact reason? Who knows. He won’t ever admit it to me let alone himself. 

I never wanted to admit that was who he is because what exactly does it say about me? 

Well yes it says that I am insecure because I would do just about anything for a man who couldn’t deem me as attractive. Why keep seeing a woman if you find her ugly? LOL. Now there are plenty of men who see me as attractive and actively try to get my attention so I don’t ghost them. 

He needed to have multiple women until one stuck around long enough. I wasn’t going to be that person. He needed it to appear that she was the chosen one. 

Instead I love being the ‘cum rag’ in the situation. I’ve never gotten it before. It's a unique one which is why I love it. I’m the one person who you wished wasn’t a part of your memory or story, but I am. I am there to clean up the mess you can’t as a girlfriend. Which is why he needs to outsource to another woman. 

The past men that I have found attractive and interested in have had a girlfriend. Secret or public still doesn’t change the fact that the men couldn’t pick one. And guess what they all still keep tabs on me. So begs the question who did the men really want?

As much as I want to fuck over them for causing me to have so much distrust and uncertainty in what I want within a relationship. I now truly know myself and that is the most powerful gift. I have a better idea of what I want so I won’t lose myself in someone who isn’t going anywhere. 

I am my own cum rag. I look at myself and think “Wow I am so attractive. I’d fuck me.” I am the power that I need. I had it in me all along, but I didn’t need a man alongside me to figure that out. The next man is about to be crazy blessed. I have so much love to give. Birthday vacation? Check. Investment in property? Check. Usable gifts? Check. Food cooked? Checked. A stupid clean house? Hell fucking yeah. A down for whatever type of woman? You found her. 

It’s been an ever evolving journey and still is, but I would rather be here having grown through insecure men than be with one. 

Below are words that have helped me realize what I deserve in the next man. Words that help me when I may be still uncertain about if I had made the right choice.